DRAGONFLIES AND SUNSETS

(archived blog from years ago)

A noise woke me up the other day. It was a distant buzzing that was hovering above me. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the annoying sound, but it kept going, insistent and deliberate, almost desperate. I opened my eyes and searched for the source of my agony, and there it was, a full grown dragonfly buzzing, flying around my light bulb.

Why do they do that? Dragonflies of that size always seem to do that. They buzz around a light bulb as if their very lives depended on it, as if it was a source of something that was precious to them.

I got off the bed and rolled my eyes at the thought of how stupid insects can be. They are the most insignificant creature God has ever created, meant only to annoy and bug human beings.

A few days later I was reading a book in my room, wasting yet another day of my life, existing without a purpose. I was reading a romantic novel, you know about those ancient, epic love stories where love is supposed to be forever and sex is a beautiful, artistic thing. Yeah right! (Cynical me taking over :P) I was basking in feelings of romantic illusion and my mind filled with delusions of happily ever afters and unconditional love, when I stepped out of the bed and noticed something lying near my shoe rack. It was the annoying dragonfly. Lifeless, buzzless, dead. The poor thing might have starved to death because he never left my light bulb, not even for food. Stupid, I know. It seems like that’s how dragonflies die; I’ve seen a number of them die that way. Buzzing around a light then eventually found dead after a few days.

I ignored the moronic bug and drowned myself in thoughts about my boyfriend. Oh how I love him. Because of him, I feel like forever is possible, as cheesy as it may sound. I started to think what if I lose him or what would I do if he told me he doesn’t love me anymore? That scared me a lot. The feeling of being not good enough. 

I was being paranoid again. I don’t know, maybe the past just scared me a lot, scared me too much that the thought of loving someone again, and giving your heart and soul completely to one person, takes me back to that feeling of vulnerability, that once again I am this fragile crystal, which could be shattered and broken into a million irreparable pieces. I’m scared of getting hurt, worst; I’m scared of being the cause of my own tragedy.

AAAHH!!! I was intoxicated with cynical thoughts! The old me kicking to get out again. The one who asks “what if” all the time, the insecure, childish and forever-not-good-enough girl whom I so desperately want to get rid of. It’s a downward spiral of pessimistic doom. When I’m feeling or thinking like this, there‘s only one thing that could bring me back… DRIVING.. Alone, windows rolled down and my stereo playing “out of my head” over and over again. Kudos to fastball for that wonderful song! Saved my life a thousand times.

I love driving alone, the feel of soft breeze caressing my cheeks, the long winding road of the west coast, which if you drive at the right time, you feel as if you’re chasing the sunset. It’s right there, in front of you, luring you to come closer, enchanting and captivating you. I love how the sky becomes orange and red at the same time, how the sun isn’t painful to look at, and how serene I felt whenever it touches the sea as the moon rises. How I wish I could just capture this moment. Capture the feeling when everything is so beautiful, peaceful and safe. This is when perfection is defined.

My secret haven is right here, in the driver’s seat. Where I feel that I’m in control of everything. I wish I could feel the same way when it comes to my life, I wish I could dictate who stays in my life forever. I wish I love yous are said as I love you regardless..not as I love you but…I wish I was in control of everything so that I will never be scared or lonely, or worst of all, alone and heartbroken.

I parked my car almost at the edge of a small cliff overlooking the sea. I took out my mattress so I could sit on top of the hood of my car and watch as the sun began to sink and everything around me became orange and red at the same time. I smiled and felt the serenity of the moment, the breeze blowing my cheeks, waving my hair as I sat there, hugging my knees, enjoying the feeling of security and peace. How can something so beautiful last only for a few minutes? Why can’t it stay and last forever?

I got to think about that dragonfly in my room. Maybe he knew that it was time for him to die. Maybe it’s like a rite of passage for all dragonflies. That there comes a time in their lives when they have to say goodbye to their families and leave their home to find somewhere they could go in peace, where no one would see them die. All he will leave behind are the memories of the life he lived, that his family is made to believe that he went straight to heaven, corporeal and whole; they do not know of death, they just merely fly away.

Then he searches for light, a light which he will follow and never leave thinking that it is where he’s supposed to be. Everything he ever lived for, everything that he was, he would give-up for that light. A simple light bulb for humans, but for a dragonfly, he would give his life for that. Imagine how unshakable that kind of faith is.

I was the stupid one, not the dragonfly. Maybe we ought to learn from these insects. We keep on searching for the most complicated and difficult things, asking questions that are not supposed to be asked, and wondering just to hurt ourselves over and over again. Why can’t we grasp and hold on to something, and never let go? Even if it means you have to give your life up believing in it. Why are we scared of that pain? The truth is, we will all die alone.

Why do we spend all our lives feeling scared and chasing every moment, wishing for it to stay, longing for it to be with us forever when all they really are, are sunsets. The sunsets in our lives, each one different, but it doesn’t mean it’s any less beautiful than the last one. We just have to be patient and wait, knowing that that moment will come. And when it happens, we get the same old feeling of serenity, contentment and solitude. Then we wait again, for the next sunset to come because you know that there will always be a next one, and it will always be the same sun. That’s unwavering faith.

Dragonflies and sunsets. It’s funny how they can give meaning to love and life, how this small insect can give us the answer to our most complicated questions, and how a simple moment like the sunset, can give us the serenity and joy that we’ve been searching for all our lives.

The answer was right here, in my bedroom. And the miracle that I have been praying for, has always been within my grasp. I just have to hold on, have faith and be brave enough to fight for what I believe in, for what I really feel. Even if it will cost me my life. Carpe diem.

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