MISERY LOVES COMPANY

(archived blog from years ago)

In life, there are many circumstances that prevail, be it in favor for us or not, it happens. We go through it with a sense of longing and a hint of fear, but throughout this unfamiliar journey, we learn that life does not always turn out favorably, but instead it evolves into something just right for us. Change is inevitable, so is hurt. For in order to survive in this chaotic world, we have to compromise other people’s feelings. That is the awful truth. People hurt people. Lives crash into each other, and in this battle, only one wins and walks out with only bruises, but there will always be one who will walk out bleeding, unsure of survival, hoping to heal in time. It is a vicious cycle, when a person gets hurt, he seeks out for revenge, a reprimand for what he’s gone through, and in the process, he ends up using another person, thus, compromising his own virtues, and that person left amidst the hurt, is also out for vengeance……and so the cycle continues. We live in a world where forgiveness is just a word and redemption is a task.

I rest my weapons, I’m cleaning my armor, tomorrow is a new day for battle, and in the serenity of what I’m doing, I started to think, where am I leading to? If there is really a god, why does he allow all of this to happen? When we think of heaven, an everlasting peace, and hell, an everlasting agony, where is purgatory? Maybe we are all living in purgatory, maybe we have been alive before and we have lived accordingly in a different time and place, and right now, we pay for everything we have done. Does cosmic karma really exist? Do we live to pay dues? To suffer the karma of our parents, relatives and ancestors??? Where does karma begin and when will it finally end??

I wish to live in a world free from pain and the irony of letting go. Have you ever had that feeling that you have just been robbed, stripped, and burned of all your hopes and dreams? Maybe this is how a dying person feels as he slowly contemplates on his life and his being, before his last breath, he looks at his murderer and thinks, what have I done to deserve this? And at that same moment he bargains, to some unknown being, “I don’t want to die” but it is the end and there’s nothing he can do about it. It’s funny how they say that life is based on choices. If that’s the case, then why do we always make the wrong choices? Did we choose to be rejected? Did we choose to die..? Did we choose to love?…..

It sucks how a person can take so much away from you. When all he did was, leave you alone. The worst enemy is the memories you’ve made together. What used to feel so good and beautiful feels like hell when you think of it again. What is the purpose of commitment and relationships when you both end up hurting and bleeding?

It feels like every drop of blood is draining from your body, how can it hurt that much? One day, he protects you like precious gem then suddenly he ignores you as if you are worth nothing. Is everything so meaningless that I’m left here all alone? Was everything rhetorical to him that even those memories meant nothing but just a lesson? A lesson and a step in his life. Maybe it’s nothing to him coz I’m the memory that he’s stepping on, and I have to carry him for the rest of my life.

I’m still stuck in our battleground, he left a long time ago but I’m still here. I could see him from where he left me. It seems like he has forgotten, all of which that I am was just a memory, a chapter in his life. I think he’s happy, he’s never looked so free, and it hurts me so much that I’m not there to share his happiness, instead, I’m stuck here, still bleeding, wounds so deep that it’s impossible to heal. Well, at least one of us is happy, I’ll just have to dwell on that. He has healed so fast, moved on so quickly, but I did not.

I looked up at my hero who spent his life rescuing me, his hand out to me, giving me promises, that he would take care of me and help me heal. But there is only one cure for me, and he’s across my battleground, laughing and smiling without me. I asked him, “he’s never coming back is he?” his eyes filled with sorrow and sympathy, his arms around me, “I’m afraid not..” he whispered. How can I move on? When nothing compares to what used to be, nothing is ever enough.

I couldn’t get up. I felt trapped in that place. The memories filling every core of my body. I let my hero go. We were never meant to be. Though he refused to leave me, I pushed him away. I couldn’t leave this place, I couldn’t leave my battleground. Maybe deep inside of me, I wanted to stay; amongst the stench of blood and pain, yes, I still wanted to stay, to wait, to hope that one day he will remember how good it felt. How right it felt, no matter how long I will wait for the answer; for in my mind and in my heart I know he still feels deeply for me, he just doesn’t have the courage to speak.

Some call me a fool, others might think I’m crazy, to bet on something that is so far fetched. But who cares? He will always be, and still is worth all the pain. What we had was extra special, I know it, he knows it, no one can ever replace and no one can ever compare to what we used to have.

I’ll be watching him from afar…seeing him making his dreams come true, living the life he always wanted. Someday, somehow, when he gets tired of the world, I know he’ll come back home to me…and if he doesn’t, it’s ok. I’m still happy coz I chose to stay.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not helpless or weak. Think of it as an unattainable dream. Because if life is really based on karma and choices, I choose to still feel this way about him because I would rather love whom my heart desires instead of forcing myself to be with a person who can never make me happy. Even if it means I would stay single for the rest of my life. I may not have his forever but he will always have me.

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