LOVE, PIES & HAPPINESS :)

Last year, on this very week before my birthday, I was miserable. I was with someone, but instead of being happy, I was in pain. I was slowly destroying myself from within. It was a toxic relationship and I never really got out until everything around me was volatile, shattered and left falling into pieces. Bruised, in pain, and covered with scars that I didn't  know if it would still ever go away. But somehow it did, thank God it did.

I was expecting to be blatantly happy coz again, for the first time in years, I have found someone, with a possibility of longevity. But then he turned out to be a major disappointment. He was the monster disguised as a prince.

Crashed&burned for letting this person ruin me, I was defeated, but then again I still won. Without him I will never have this clarity, I will never feel this kind of inner peace.

I'm not perfect. I am yet to attain "altruism", never been to “nirvana”, but I have found an opportunity, an opportunity of self-discovery which helped me find the true me. I have found my purpose, I have found my true inner-self, the person that I have always been avoiding.

I embraced me and all that I could be. I can say that I have projected myself out from who I was, to be who I'm meant to be.

I was lost in a fantasy, dreaming of that perfect moment, dreaming for a perfect birthday, dreaming of a perfect life filled with all the stuff that love stories are made of. I was miserable and disappointed because I allowed myself to be miserable and disappointed with all these expectations. Not once have I ever been really happy with where I was, but I convinced myself that having someone to actually call mine would somehow make it all better, that it would make me the luckiest person in the world coz I found my very own happily ever after and that this person could actually make a difference in my life. I have always been in love with love I guess, in love with the idea of it being magical, romantic, and most of all everlasting. I have never even considered loving myself, coz love for me is supposed to be shared, not kept.

Yep. I love too much, too much that nothing's left for me and I end up broken, jaded, and irreparable every time I have to let go and say goodbye. But love is not the reason for my pain, it is not the reason why I’m broken. It’s so easy to blame what we feel, but it’s never easy to blame ourselves for what we’ve done because of what we feel. 

Love does not hurt, it’s not supposed to hurt, the truth is, we hurt ourselves. We program our minds into thinking that love is something that would change us, that it would give us happiness, that it would set us free from whatever it is that we are running away from. Yes we do escape, we escape from ourselves. We give this other person the responsibility of taking care of us, of loving us, of keeping us safe. We hope, we long, we depend our very lives and happiness on that person. Do you think that's even fair? It's like leaving that person helpless, if he/she would ever disappoint you, you will be left with so much pain, and you end up hating that person, hating them for hurting you.

Expectations, that's not love. Expecting someone to act a certain way, to provide you with the things that you need, to give you the happiness you so longed for, is not fair. You tell me that it's given in every relationship that you have to be this and that. That there are rules and he needs to give you flowers, he needs to have a gift for you every anniversary, every valentine's day and he needs to remember every important date of your relationship. He needs to be there when you need him, he needs to comfort you when you're sad. You just expect him to do all these things, to know all these things, to be all that you want him to be, but he's not. He's not a mind reader. He's never going to be perfect, he's not always going to make you happy, and he won’t always be “that” perfect guy. But he will always love you, in his own way he will, the way he knows how.

When you do something for him, do it because you want to, but don’t do it because you want something out of it. Don’t expect for a compliment or some romantic appreciation, just do it because it’s what you want… PERIOD.

I am not saying that you should just sit there and be a martyr, that you be contented with just being a wallflower, it’s not that. What I’m saying is you try to look at things through his eyes, coz you might be ignoring some gestures, some kind words and acts of appreciation, the things that you tend to surpass because you expect him to act differently, on your standards. He has his own way and you have to realize that.

Most of all, you have to redefine what happiness is for you, You have to find it yourself, you have to know what could make you happy, and not who could make you happy. It is not the other person’s responsibility to cater to your happiness, it is your own. He is there so you two can be happy, he is not there so you could be happy. There’s a big difference between the two, and if you realize what it is then you’re on the right track.

Aren't we all pies? Love is just a slice of you, it's not the whole pie. Relationships of different kinds, of different forms, like family and friendships, these are the filling that gives us color, which makes us a better person. But the dough, the dough is you. And you have to work to make it rise. You got to squeeze, roll in the punches, get tossed around then when you think you got it made that's when you put in the filling. And if it doesn't work out right, you make another one, and if that doesn’t work either, you make another one. You keep on making it until you get it right. We always have an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, at the proper time. As long as we live, there’s always a chance of starting over, you just have to realize when the opportunity presents itself. Hope is boundless, there is always hope no matter what the situation.

No one can fix you but yourself, no one can make you happy but yourself, no one can be your reason to live but yourself. How can you possibly love another person with all your broken pieces inside? You have to put the pieces inside of you together so you won’t be half-baked. Make the perfect pie, make a perfect essence yourself, and find your self-worth, so when you put yourself out there, people will appreciate you for what you are, without you even making an effort. Love, not vanity, there’s a fine line between the two and you have to be careful not to cross the borderline of its distinction, make sure you know the difference.

And lastly, let yourself go from all those expectations, set yourself free from your doubts and fears. Love and happiness should work together separately, you should have happiness AND love, not happiness BECAUSE of love. You can make it, on your own, there is nothing sad about being alone, in fact it is a great beginning, a beginning for you to finally discover who you really are. Do not be dependent on others for your happiness coz that’s disaster in the making, don’t personify your happiness, do not make it corporeal because when that person goes away, he leaves with it, never let that happen. Let him make you happy but don’t let him be your own happiness.

            Love radiates from within, you have to love yourself and be contented with who you are, and then you can love others. You have to have a better reason for that person to be in your life, not because he makes things better, not because he completes you, not because he makes things right, not because he is your happiness, not because he puts your pieces back together. But instead, have a very simple reason, simple yet profound. He is in your life because you love him, and that’s that. Nothing more because it doesn’t have to be more, never beyond that. You don’t need expectations, you don’t need explanations for love. Love alone can stand, because it is love, it just is.

              
I am still waiting for my extraordinary love story, one that I’ve always prayed for. It would be extraordinary because it would be ours, it would be our own script, our own character, our own movie. And it won’t be based on what others think it should be, or it won’t the way we are expected to act. It would never be based on other people’s love stories. Ours because it would be me and him, not just me. It would be our own, one that we make for ourselves. One that would stand on its own.  :)

_kEnz_1/27/12_