The Daughters Of Lawyers

    About a month ago, the Dean of the College of Law in WMSU, during my interview, asked me this one simple question: “Why do you want to be a lawyer?” Back then, I confidently answered him: 

“I want to be a lawyer because it is what I want, not just because I am my father's daughter and it is expected for me to be one.”  

But somehow, I feel like I am losing the last, fleeting residue of that confidence.

        I grew up within the walls of Hall of Justice. My father always brought me and my sister to his office, and ever since I could remember, our playmates were the secretaries and clerks, our toys were the typewriters and the infamous rubber stamp pad which we loved to use, stamping every paper we can find with the name: “Jaime M. Machutes, RTC BRANCH 14.” The secretaries, sometimes, maybe out of their fondness, would let me answer the phone, and I could clearly still remember the opening spill, “RTC, BRANCH 14, HELLOOO?”  uttered with joyful intonation.

          But the most favorite game me and my sister would play, is playing trial. We would sneak into the courtroom without anyone looking and pretend that we were lawyers. My older sister was always adamant in saying, “When I grow up I will be just like papa,” and I would just look at her and smiled, because my dream back then was just to be able to fly. I was 5, so that was reasonable.

          My sister is long gone now. She was taken away from us almost 21 years ago, at the young age of 10. Her memory, her legacy will never be forgotten. I have always struggled with the thought that being a lawyer was my sister’s dream, not mine. I could never be as smart, as talented, not even as determined as her to follow papa’s footsteps. But still, no matter how much I struggled, I always find myself facing a crossroad, one road leading to a laid back, simple future, and the other one leading into the world of law. Family, friends, loved ones, are immensely trying to push me and convince me to take up law. They say it fits me well, that I was born to be one.

      I debated, questioned and thoroughly searched the inner recesses of my being, if a lawyer is who I really am, if it is who I want to be. I wanted to want it for myself, not just because I am a daughter of one. I grew up privileged, enjoying the perks behind my father’s accomplishments, so I struggled in thoughts like, am I just after the accomplishments? The privileges? The perks? Or am I just out to prove that I am my father’s daughter and it is my inherent calling to be a lawyer like him.
         One day I just thought, what the heck, life is about risks. It felt as it my life began the moment I said, “Dad, I accept your challenge, I want to be a lawyer.” These words made my father smile and beam as if he heaved a great sigh of relief that at last, I have finally conceded to his wishes.

Ever since that day my life turned into a complete 180. Almost a month into law school, it has been a rollercoaster ride for me. From a once routine-driven, calm, laid back lifestyle, to a whirlwind of books, case digests non-stop research which has placed my multi-tasking skills into a brutal test. My mind, up to this moment, is still processing the idea of last minute cramming, overwhelming analogies, ingenuity in finding resources, and most of all, the tedious task of waking my brain up from coma, as it has been sedentary these long years of being away from school.

         As I walk into our classroom everyday and take my seat at the back of class, I would often look at my classmates in amazement because of their determination and diligence. Then I would ask myself, “what the hell did I get myself into?”. I could see their will to become lawyers, their dreams seemingly tangible, their passion for the study is so raw and potent.

I once was like them. Always on top of the class, always ready with the right answers, but somehow, I feel like I have lost my mojo. I have lost my quick wit, my jovial spirit, my congenial aura and my insatiable passion to be the best. I have become an empty vacuum, past difficulties have impeded my thoughts and changed me into someone more calm and timid, unsure and hesitant. During recitations I feel like my brain numbs out and just automatically shuts down. I struggle with words, which in the past I never had a problem with. I always answered flawlessly, with sheer confidence, as if I had all the information in my head. It was a breeze.

        But it is different now. Most often, I feel like I’m just floating, oblivious to the things around me. I sometimes find myself taking the coward’s way out and not attending my classes, feeling like if I made a mistake, it is not  just me who fails, but I have also failed my father. My professors are his colleagues and I fear, so vehemently, the harsh criticisms and negative comments that might arise from my failure. I did not want to be the cause of my father’s embarrassment.

       

Four grueling weeks which lead up to this night. I went home feeling like I lost another opportunity to optimally perform during recitation. What was wrong with me? Why can’t I keep up? I felt exhausted, as if every drop of my being has been consummated. I parked my car in the garage, hugged my dog and went to my dad. What was supposed to be a simple question of “how was class?” from my father became such a burden inside me that I found myself crying in front of him. I felt like a failure, I hiccupped and sobbed, struggling to let out my pent up frustrations. Despite my tribulations, my father calmly said, 

“You don’t know everything, you are not supposed to know everything and have all the answers. You are there to learn. That is the most important thing. Learn.”

          Lost, and inconsolable, I walked into my room and played with chloe, my stress reliever. But somehow, deep inside me, I sought to find balance and peace, enough to be able to survive 4 years in law school. Then, out of nowhere, a name Dean Sanson mentioned in class popped in my head:

ANNA PATRICIA DEL CASTILLO. Accordingly, she too, is a daughter of lawyers and has taken the bar exam twice. A few months after becoming a lawyer, she took her own life by jumping out of her hotel room’s window. I stood up and sat in front of my laptop and started searching for her story. Little information is available about her, but I wanted to know what was on her mind and why would she go to that extent. I felt like if I knew the reason, I would find the balance I sought so deeply inside me.

Then I saw an article she wrote. She was a writer too, quoting Inquirer.net,

“She wrote this article right after she took her oath last April. But the Inquirer timed its publication for the bar exams taken during the four Sundays in September (the first one starts today). We are running the article with the 2008 bar examinees in mind and in memory of the lawyer who excitedly found the road less taken. Atty. Del Castillo died on June 21.”

As I read her article, I found myself connecting with her. She was able to put into words the personal struggles I was recently experiencing,

“Flunking the bar made me see there was no clear path in my life. My future suddenly became hazy and uncertain, and I seemed to be starting anew on an uncharted path. I was faced with many questions. Should I continue studying and take the bar again? Should I just begin a new career path, a whole new life where I would be in charge?”

And my personal struggles related to what was on her mind that day,

“One day, while studying till the wee hours, I suddenly began to cry. It was self-pity, and the realization that I had never worked so hard in my life. Studying for the bar is the toughest thing a person can do because it takes over your whole life and requires all your concentration, energy and patience. It makes you forego any other desire for months, deny yourself all pastimes, hobbies and recreation, and abandon all meaningful relationships. It requires everything that you can give, and more.

When I say I found myself, I mean, it was as if I went around the world, across the universe, and found myself back home, with myself, with my soul. It was the inner me that could not be defined by my likes or dislikes, or those cliché definitions of the meaning of love that one reads in a Hallmark greeting card on Valentine’s Day.

That almost superhuman effort of preparing for the bar exams the second time around made me find my real self. Despite the fact that I had almost no interaction with other people for months, this me that I found was the me-alone, and also the me-in-relation to others. A philosopher might call it the existential me.”

Which somehow, in my own way, made me reach the same epitome of thought she once had,

“For me, I guess I had to grow up and be one with my soul, that almost mythical rite of passage we thought we only read in great literature, but which is part of everyone’s life. What happened to that teenage girl who only thought about what to wear and which party to go to? She realized that life is all about choices. Now it’s which book to read, how to schedule her activities for the day. Still the same giggly immature girl, but now in her 20s, and somehow different in many respects.

At last I discovered that being a lawyer was my true path although at the start I was just going with the flow, like floating downstream in a river. When I finally began to find myself, I related to and understood the world more. In a way I became more caring but also more responsible and emphatic in my views.”

Those were her thoughts after she took her oath as a lawyer. I still have 4 years ahead of me, to reach that point in my life. But she helped me realize that my fear is my choice, that I have the power inside of me to make things happen if I desire it.

Even though she took her life, for reasons only those close to her knows, I am sure that what ever it was, it must have been a devastation in her heart that she could no longer handle, and it was not due to her struggles in becoming a lawyer. It is evident in this article that being a lawyer was who she wanted to be.

I pray for the eternal rest of her soul, and somehow, through her words, she appeased my inner tribulations, and gave me the clarity I sought in this path I took. God really does work in mysterious ways, He somehow made a way for Patricia to touch my life, even beyond the grave.

From a lawyer’s daughter to another, she showed me that the pressure I felt is only my fear of failure, and if I conquered that fear, anything is possible. It is not the name you carry that makes you who you are, it is who you will be above and beyond that name until that label of a name becomes insignificant, because of the person that you have become through your own perseverance. 

Through her, I realized my own dream: I still wanted to fly. I want to soar in this path that I have chosen.

Someday, through God’s divine will, I shall no longer be just a lawyer’s daughter. 

MEN and their LOINS... WOMEN and their HEARTS.

A man will always be a man. Their brain lies between their legs and it has been that way since pre-historic times, cheating started with them. 

From the polygamous relationships of the cave men, the Alpha male's right to "dominate,"

the knights and noblemen of the medieval time who have the right of Jus Primae Noctis, 

"blessing" marriages by taking the bride into his bed on the first night of her union.

To the present day of "open relationships"

and "no strings attached". 

Can't say you can't trust a man, but reality is, that's the way he is, the good and the bad ones. Sometimes, girls prefer the bad boys because somehow, they are already true to themselves unlike the good boy types who have their reputations to worry about. Good boys have the tendency to lie than the bad boys because of a girl's blatant expectation that he won't hurt her.

I don't believe the "don't you trust me?" line. It's a man's way of making women feel guilty, ending the argument, thus ending the further questioning and shutting us up. It's a really good way to squeeze themselves out of an argument.













My ex used to tell me that. I trusted him 100% , no doubts coz that's the way I am, but know what he did? I caught him playing seesaw with the wicked witch of Vancouver. So what did I do? lol. DON'T ASK. ;D













So I say, trust yourself, trust your instinct but don't be a nag. Observe, collect, and when you know that you got enough ammo, fire all the way. But one thing though, learn how to forgive when forgiveness is due, learn to let go of the pride that's holding you back, and forget. Never bring it up again so you can move on. After all, there's such a thing as "psychotic" jealousy.  And sometimes, in the most special cases, love is enough reason to stay.

Girls are smart, but our hearts get the best of us. If we love someone, that's that, and when they break our hearts, we find ourselves lost and miserable. Cliche as it may be, things do happen for a reason and people come into our lives for a purpose, some to stay and others to teach us a lesson. Maybe the beauty of it all, or shall I say the silver lining of the pain is that you felt how it is to love, from the bottom of your heart, by making this one person the most important person in your life. He may not have given back what you put out there for him, but at least you can say that you my dear, have given him the best of you. He was just stupid enough not to see that. 

When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who leaves you, and it doesn't mean that they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over.

Sometimes differences takes its toll, disappointments wear you out, and compromise just doesn't work the way it used to. Our own desires make us selfish, his needs make him weak and most often he seeks out for someone who can fill that need for him. That seems unfair but sometimes, that's how men are. 

I feel your pain, I feel your heartbreak, I feel your loss. But the one thing that you can say to yourself, the one thing that you could hold onto in times of anger and regret, is that you loved him, with all of your heart, and you can never be wrong with love.

Love can never be evil. Desire, passion, lust, can be evil, but love, it is ever pure and untainted. 

You have to know that you are a beautiful person, inside and out. You deserve someone who can see that and who will appreciate that. Someday someone will come along, someone who deserves all of you, who will love you with no reservations.

You are strong. Your will to go on is stronger. He might have somehow completed you, but he's not all of you. He's not someone you need, but someone you want. In time you will be ok.

Moving on is a choice, choose to move forward, and someday when you'll look back, you will know why all this shit had to happen, and somehow, in that way, you will be ready for that one person who truly deserves you. 

I know you feel like you're in broken pieces, but you have to pick up each broken piece of you. It will hurt, you will bleed, but you have to hold on. 

Grasp that strength to pull yourself back together, and hope that in time you will heal. Soon, what you will have are just scars, but this scars will make you stronger. It will be a reminder that once in your life you have loved.. truly, without inhibitions and that my darling will help you become a better person.

Choose to be better and not bitter. You deserve to be happy.

Learn to love yourself more and others will soon see your worth. If you can't love yourself, then how can he truly love you?

Someday you will be tired.. tired of hiding and being scared, tired of taking risks. It is at this moment that you will realize, you deserve to be loved. You don't have to do all the giving.

Sometimes receiving can be good for you. 

Pray and believe.
Coz it all comes down to one thing: FAITH & HOPE working together.

Faith that things will be ok.
And hope that right after this, you'll come out of it better, stronger, alive and whole.

Reason then passion.. then love.

Conjuring Thoughts From A Fickle Mind

When I can't sleep my mind starts to conjure thoughts. It begins with simple things then my thought process turns into something else. I wonder, then I ponder, and at the end I question. But my questions always leads to another question... it never stops. Then I begin to question the very essence of my questions. That's when I realized, a person's ability to question is inherent. Although faced with facts and principles, we somehow find a way to question the very foundation of the truth behind those facts. It is the never-ending quest for answers to our most fragile existence. We will, and always will be seeking for those answers.

"Who am I?" it is the most complex question that requires the most complicated answers. How is one's being defined? Is it based on your stature in life, your achievements and success? But some people define this as mere material and ambitious goals that clearly is irrelevant to one's being. Those who seek a more mental and spiritual definition will overlook this accomplishments and seek a more thorough explanation as to who he is and what is his purpose, the kind that gives one's soul a euphoric feeling, a sense of completion. But for those who seek a more fulfilled and success related answer, they work on gaining a momentum in their careers, a title that will validate one's status, one that will give them honor and will help them gain the respect one's title invokes. There are those who seek fame, and there are those who seek riches just to be able to secure one's contribution to humanity.

No matter how this question is answered, it is still subjected on how a person looks upon himself, the sum of his experiences and his totality as a person will somehow help him determine who he is. But the question, I think, may never be answered, because man's purpose of existence is vast, there may not be a distinct and precise answer because in reality, we are who we want ourselves to be.

Now my question is..
AM I NORMAL IN THINKING THESE THOUGHTS?

And the questions never stop.

On a serious note, this my friends is another product of my fickle mind while I read about Descartes during the past hour. Boredom makes me ponder, what can I say? Rolling my eyes to my constant need of self-gratification IN TERMS of historical and philosophical knowledge, I came across this fella. One of his philosophies struck me the most, something that was related to what I have been pondering on lately. My existence.. Who am I?

Dubito ergo cogito, cogito ergo sum 

("I doubt, therefore I think, I think therefore I am")

More so on the last thought, simply put, "Cogito Ergo Sum" is a latin phrase meaning "I think, therefore I am" became the fundamental element of western philosophy. In man's constant quest for the purpose of his being, he sometimes doubts his very own humanity. He searches for validation and within himself finds the answer. His mind, his thinking, his reasoning holds the very answer he seeks, that his mind is very powerful, powerful enough to validate his own existence. 

It's amazing how everything is all in the mind, we basically become what we think. Our mind is the greatest creator on earth, it can either generate the most sublime happiness for it's owner or it can destroy him.

Descartes proves that the power of the mind to think, to even conjure thoughts, is enough to answer that "I am the validation of me, that I am the sum of my totality." The mind holds the power to convince one's self of his own existence, that no amount of deception, not even from a supreme being, can make him into nothing as long as he thinks that he is something.

Have you ever wondered what happened to a schizophrenic? Or someone who is mentally ill? You tend to think, what has gone through their minds to make them lose their grasp on reality?

But how can one really say what reality is valid? Is our "just" and "upright" way of thinking, our morals and principles, the true validation of what is perceived as reality? Just because a person does not behave by our standards of  what is "normal" and "sane", he or she is immediately a threat, a detriment to society, and is considered as someone who has LOST HIS MIND. 

How does losing one's mind happen? Was it deliberately chosen by our own consciousness? That the imbalance of chemicals, neurons and brain waves was intentionally done because the mind willed it? I often wondered that, if a person can possibly lose himself willingly to the throes of insanity, just to liberate him from the constrictions of human decency, to free him from the rules and laws imposed by society.

Having that state of mental illness gives a person the "excuse" to act immorally, violently and unjustly towards others without worries of criminal liability or prosecution of any authority. That kind of freedom, to act as you please, was it the kind of liberation the mind sought after right from the start? I wonder.

To sum up my gibberish? lol. Power of the mind folks. Lust, love, passion, greed, jealousy all comes from it. It renders us helpless, weak, strong.. vulnerable. The mind plays more games than we do and a thousand times more strenuous than any physical exercise. Never underestimate the influence of your mind on your body. It's like a dictator on top, sitting, waiting for that perfect moment to strike.

Who I am is who my mind conjures me to be, take hold of it, control it and use it to your advantage, because I still believe that the answer to all our questions lie within us, it lies within the intricate networks of our ever deceiving mind.

Everything is in there, we just have to find the right key 

and figure out how to unlock it. 

Religion, Faith and Homer Simpson :)

The Passion and Death of Jesus Christ. Nobody has ever done what He did, how can one not believe in Him? The beauty of His Passion is love itself, love, sacrifice and hope, hope that we can live a new life again, we can start over knowing that we are given the chance to REPENT and that we can be FORGIVEN.

The miracle and the beauty that is Jesus Christ have overshadowed all doubts in our hearts, has given light to every darkness and has removed and destroyed all evil.

He doesn't want us to argue, he doesn't want us to fight, he wants us to love, plain and simple. With love, when pure, nothing wrong comes out of it.

Isn't it funny how religions, including the Christian sectors, fight for power and domination, to the point of engaging in senseless arguments, fighting and stepping on other beliefs, trying to prove them wrong, making them feel ridiculous, when all the believers of Christ, the TRUE believers of Christ in their HEARTS, REMAIN QUIET. Because we choose not to offend, we choose not to cause any chaos, we choose to live in PEACE with others, even those different from us, from what we believe in, because this is what JESUS has truly taught us. We don't have to prove anything.

He never taught us to hate, he never taught us to discriminate, he never taught us to engage in WAR.

But instead, he wants us to be upholders of peace, to be agents of love, to be instruments of hope for others. We do not need to debate, we do not need to argue, we do not need to dive into and live by the rules of the scriptures, all we need is what's in our hearts, our faith, our spirit. Being blessed and nurtured by the core of what he taught us, that is LOVE, purity in SPIRIT, TRUE REPENTANCE and FORGIVENESS.

Throughout His life, Jesus showed that His love knows no boundaries. He dined with sinners, He did not follow any religious norm, He was a JEW, but He did not follow its religiosity, He has forgiven prostitutes, healed the sick and even healed the leppers who were considered outcasts. 

His life is the epitome of our FAITH.

I don't say I have the best religion, because I don't. I actually don't practice my religion RELIGIOUSLY. But I have the best FAITH, and I practice my faith FAITHFULLY. Religion and Faith are different all together, Religion is an institution but FAITH is INHERENT. 

I am not a Proud Catholic, but I am a PROUD BELIEVER OF JESUS CHRIST.

We cannot be taught on what to believe in. Faith is not imposed, it comes from within, an unexplainable source deep inside of you that nobody can take away, nobody can teach you. It just grows inside and is nurtured through the years.

We are so busy using our brains, our minds to analyze, theorize and explain the things we often question, but the thing is, with Jesus Christ, the heart is the most important. You may be the most intelligent person in the world, but without a clean heart and spirit, you are still nothing. 

Wisdom is not merely intelligence, but the compassion behind the intelligence. You need to use your heart with your mind so you can truly be wise.

I know they often say that one should always use his mind more than his heart to get the best out of everything. That emotions are unstable and volatile, it could destroy you if you are not careful.

I say not. The heart is so powerful because at the end of the day, what you truly feel, what you truly desire will be revealed no matter how much you stop it.

It is with the help of the mind that we distinguish the bad emotions from the good ones, I have always believed that if you follow your heart, it will never go wrong.

That's what Jesus taught us, though his teachings are simple in nature, but it is also very difficult to do.

In our present time, GREED, VANITY and DECEPTION are overpowering and it is hard to act purely without being deceived or fooled by others. No matter how deep our kindness, you cannot control the evil choices of others. We are lost in a world of mischief that it makes everything difficult for us, it makes it difficult to TRUST, to LOVE and to remove thoughts of retaliation when someone hurts us.

God has given us the greatest gift of all, FREE WILL. Sometimes our choices are not the right choices and we end up hurting others, and those people end up hurting others as a reprimand of what they felt, it's a vicious cycle.

What we don't realize is that Jesus has taught us how to stop all these, through repentance and forgiveness. It's simple but it has been very challenging for us.

Love, mercy and compassion are lost in translations. Each of us have a different defintion, each of us have a different point of view that it has been difficult to focus on the simplicity of it.

Who would expect that this moment of epiphany was caused by HOMER SIMPSON. He said in the episode The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed, 

"When you get down to it, aren't all religions the same? They tell you what to eat, when to pray, how this imperfect clay that we call Man can mold itself to resemble the divine. But we can never attain that ultimate grace while there is HATRED in our HEARTS for each other."

What he said was very profound and moving. The Simpson's has always been reverred as a classic adult cartoon, but what makes it different from the rest is its ability to combine jokes, while still showing positive messages. Homer is an example of what people really are like these days, but for me, no matter how much a jerk he has become, he always manages to show compassion in the end. Which makes me think that he's still a good person, he just makes bad choices, but there's still a chance for him to change.

Before we undergo detoxification of our bodies, maybe we should start with the detoxification of our minds, annihilation of our vanity and the purification of our spirit, so we can focus, focus on NOT THINKING. Instead, we focus on LOVE entirely. That's when you will truly live. TRUST ME. :)

This is me not bashing what you believe in, this is me not challenging your religion, this is me not trying to convert you, this is me not forcing you into believing me, this is me not discriminating you. But this is me speaking from my heart about what my FAITH has given me and how much believing in Jesus Christ has changed my life. And coming from a girl like me, with these kind of "Gift/curse" I know in my heart what I am talking about.

For many are so lost without the Light. 

Via, Veritas, Vita.

Bestriends and Brokenhearts

I'm a writer through and through. Give me a line and I'll make a story out of it.lol I write well with what I went through, a piece of me that's fused with a little fiction. I know a good story when I see one. So I started making this video lovestories, from the "LOVELETTER FOR NO ONE" of last year, to this story INSPIRED by true events. This was something that happened to me but I just made it romantic and made-up a few plots. I thought it could make a really good story.:)

Mahirap makahanap ng tunay na kaibigan.

Mahirap din makahanap ng tunay na pag-ibig.

Pero pano kung nainlove ka sa bestfriend mo?

Are you willing to lose the friendship for the sake of love?

Or are you willing to lose the love for the sake of friendship...?

This is a story about bestfriends, unrequited love and broken hearts. It has 9 parts (please bear with me) but i'm sure you'll fall inlove with it in the end. It's gonna be worth it :)

Happy viewing&reading!

Love.Love.Love!

If you want more videos tune in to my channel at youtube: Kendimac

Peace&love to all!