The Daughters Of Lawyers

    About a month ago, the Dean of the College of Law in WMSU, during my interview, asked me this one simple question: “Why do you want to be a lawyer?” Back then, I confidently answered him: 

“I want to be a lawyer because it is what I want, not just because I am my father's daughter and it is expected for me to be one.”  

But somehow, I feel like I am losing the last, fleeting residue of that confidence.

        I grew up within the walls of Hall of Justice. My father always brought me and my sister to his office, and ever since I could remember, our playmates were the secretaries and clerks, our toys were the typewriters and the infamous rubber stamp pad which we loved to use, stamping every paper we can find with the name: “Jaime M. Machutes, RTC BRANCH 14.” The secretaries, sometimes, maybe out of their fondness, would let me answer the phone, and I could clearly still remember the opening spill, “RTC, BRANCH 14, HELLOOO?”  uttered with joyful intonation.

          But the most favorite game me and my sister would play, is playing trial. We would sneak into the courtroom without anyone looking and pretend that we were lawyers. My older sister was always adamant in saying, “When I grow up I will be just like papa,” and I would just look at her and smiled, because my dream back then was just to be able to fly. I was 5, so that was reasonable.

          My sister is long gone now. She was taken away from us almost 21 years ago, at the young age of 10. Her memory, her legacy will never be forgotten. I have always struggled with the thought that being a lawyer was my sister’s dream, not mine. I could never be as smart, as talented, not even as determined as her to follow papa’s footsteps. But still, no matter how much I struggled, I always find myself facing a crossroad, one road leading to a laid back, simple future, and the other one leading into the world of law. Family, friends, loved ones, are immensely trying to push me and convince me to take up law. They say it fits me well, that I was born to be one.

      I debated, questioned and thoroughly searched the inner recesses of my being, if a lawyer is who I really am, if it is who I want to be. I wanted to want it for myself, not just because I am a daughter of one. I grew up privileged, enjoying the perks behind my father’s accomplishments, so I struggled in thoughts like, am I just after the accomplishments? The privileges? The perks? Or am I just out to prove that I am my father’s daughter and it is my inherent calling to be a lawyer like him.
         One day I just thought, what the heck, life is about risks. It felt as it my life began the moment I said, “Dad, I accept your challenge, I want to be a lawyer.” These words made my father smile and beam as if he heaved a great sigh of relief that at last, I have finally conceded to his wishes.

Ever since that day my life turned into a complete 180. Almost a month into law school, it has been a rollercoaster ride for me. From a once routine-driven, calm, laid back lifestyle, to a whirlwind of books, case digests non-stop research which has placed my multi-tasking skills into a brutal test. My mind, up to this moment, is still processing the idea of last minute cramming, overwhelming analogies, ingenuity in finding resources, and most of all, the tedious task of waking my brain up from coma, as it has been sedentary these long years of being away from school.

         As I walk into our classroom everyday and take my seat at the back of class, I would often look at my classmates in amazement because of their determination and diligence. Then I would ask myself, “what the hell did I get myself into?”. I could see their will to become lawyers, their dreams seemingly tangible, their passion for the study is so raw and potent.

I once was like them. Always on top of the class, always ready with the right answers, but somehow, I feel like I have lost my mojo. I have lost my quick wit, my jovial spirit, my congenial aura and my insatiable passion to be the best. I have become an empty vacuum, past difficulties have impeded my thoughts and changed me into someone more calm and timid, unsure and hesitant. During recitations I feel like my brain numbs out and just automatically shuts down. I struggle with words, which in the past I never had a problem with. I always answered flawlessly, with sheer confidence, as if I had all the information in my head. It was a breeze.

        But it is different now. Most often, I feel like I’m just floating, oblivious to the things around me. I sometimes find myself taking the coward’s way out and not attending my classes, feeling like if I made a mistake, it is not  just me who fails, but I have also failed my father. My professors are his colleagues and I fear, so vehemently, the harsh criticisms and negative comments that might arise from my failure. I did not want to be the cause of my father’s embarrassment.

       

Four grueling weeks which lead up to this night. I went home feeling like I lost another opportunity to optimally perform during recitation. What was wrong with me? Why can’t I keep up? I felt exhausted, as if every drop of my being has been consummated. I parked my car in the garage, hugged my dog and went to my dad. What was supposed to be a simple question of “how was class?” from my father became such a burden inside me that I found myself crying in front of him. I felt like a failure, I hiccupped and sobbed, struggling to let out my pent up frustrations. Despite my tribulations, my father calmly said, 

“You don’t know everything, you are not supposed to know everything and have all the answers. You are there to learn. That is the most important thing. Learn.”

          Lost, and inconsolable, I walked into my room and played with chloe, my stress reliever. But somehow, deep inside me, I sought to find balance and peace, enough to be able to survive 4 years in law school. Then, out of nowhere, a name Dean Sanson mentioned in class popped in my head:

ANNA PATRICIA DEL CASTILLO. Accordingly, she too, is a daughter of lawyers and has taken the bar exam twice. A few months after becoming a lawyer, she took her own life by jumping out of her hotel room’s window. I stood up and sat in front of my laptop and started searching for her story. Little information is available about her, but I wanted to know what was on her mind and why would she go to that extent. I felt like if I knew the reason, I would find the balance I sought so deeply inside me.

Then I saw an article she wrote. She was a writer too, quoting Inquirer.net,

“She wrote this article right after she took her oath last April. But the Inquirer timed its publication for the bar exams taken during the four Sundays in September (the first one starts today). We are running the article with the 2008 bar examinees in mind and in memory of the lawyer who excitedly found the road less taken. Atty. Del Castillo died on June 21.”

As I read her article, I found myself connecting with her. She was able to put into words the personal struggles I was recently experiencing,

“Flunking the bar made me see there was no clear path in my life. My future suddenly became hazy and uncertain, and I seemed to be starting anew on an uncharted path. I was faced with many questions. Should I continue studying and take the bar again? Should I just begin a new career path, a whole new life where I would be in charge?”

And my personal struggles related to what was on her mind that day,

“One day, while studying till the wee hours, I suddenly began to cry. It was self-pity, and the realization that I had never worked so hard in my life. Studying for the bar is the toughest thing a person can do because it takes over your whole life and requires all your concentration, energy and patience. It makes you forego any other desire for months, deny yourself all pastimes, hobbies and recreation, and abandon all meaningful relationships. It requires everything that you can give, and more.

When I say I found myself, I mean, it was as if I went around the world, across the universe, and found myself back home, with myself, with my soul. It was the inner me that could not be defined by my likes or dislikes, or those cliché definitions of the meaning of love that one reads in a Hallmark greeting card on Valentine’s Day.

That almost superhuman effort of preparing for the bar exams the second time around made me find my real self. Despite the fact that I had almost no interaction with other people for months, this me that I found was the me-alone, and also the me-in-relation to others. A philosopher might call it the existential me.”

Which somehow, in my own way, made me reach the same epitome of thought she once had,

“For me, I guess I had to grow up and be one with my soul, that almost mythical rite of passage we thought we only read in great literature, but which is part of everyone’s life. What happened to that teenage girl who only thought about what to wear and which party to go to? She realized that life is all about choices. Now it’s which book to read, how to schedule her activities for the day. Still the same giggly immature girl, but now in her 20s, and somehow different in many respects.

At last I discovered that being a lawyer was my true path although at the start I was just going with the flow, like floating downstream in a river. When I finally began to find myself, I related to and understood the world more. In a way I became more caring but also more responsible and emphatic in my views.”

Those were her thoughts after she took her oath as a lawyer. I still have 4 years ahead of me, to reach that point in my life. But she helped me realize that my fear is my choice, that I have the power inside of me to make things happen if I desire it.

Even though she took her life, for reasons only those close to her knows, I am sure that what ever it was, it must have been a devastation in her heart that she could no longer handle, and it was not due to her struggles in becoming a lawyer. It is evident in this article that being a lawyer was who she wanted to be.

I pray for the eternal rest of her soul, and somehow, through her words, she appeased my inner tribulations, and gave me the clarity I sought in this path I took. God really does work in mysterious ways, He somehow made a way for Patricia to touch my life, even beyond the grave.

From a lawyer’s daughter to another, she showed me that the pressure I felt is only my fear of failure, and if I conquered that fear, anything is possible. It is not the name you carry that makes you who you are, it is who you will be above and beyond that name until that label of a name becomes insignificant, because of the person that you have become through your own perseverance. 

Through her, I realized my own dream: I still wanted to fly. I want to soar in this path that I have chosen.

Someday, through God’s divine will, I shall no longer be just a lawyer’s daughter.