LOVE, PIES & HAPPINESS :)

Last year, on this very week before my birthday, I was miserable. I was with someone, but instead of being happy, I was in pain. I was slowly destroying myself from within. It was a toxic relationship and I never really got out until everything around me was volatile, shattered and left falling into pieces. Bruised, in pain, and covered with scars that I didn't  know if it would still ever go away. But somehow it did, thank God it did.

I was expecting to be blatantly happy coz again, for the first time in years, I have found someone, with a possibility of longevity. But then he turned out to be a major disappointment. He was the monster disguised as a prince.

Crashed&burned for letting this person ruin me, I was defeated, but then again I still won. Without him I will never have this clarity, I will never feel this kind of inner peace.

I'm not perfect. I am yet to attain "altruism", never been to “nirvana”, but I have found an opportunity, an opportunity of self-discovery which helped me find the true me. I have found my purpose, I have found my true inner-self, the person that I have always been avoiding.

I embraced me and all that I could be. I can say that I have projected myself out from who I was, to be who I'm meant to be.

I was lost in a fantasy, dreaming of that perfect moment, dreaming for a perfect birthday, dreaming of a perfect life filled with all the stuff that love stories are made of. I was miserable and disappointed because I allowed myself to be miserable and disappointed with all these expectations. Not once have I ever been really happy with where I was, but I convinced myself that having someone to actually call mine would somehow make it all better, that it would make me the luckiest person in the world coz I found my very own happily ever after and that this person could actually make a difference in my life. I have always been in love with love I guess, in love with the idea of it being magical, romantic, and most of all everlasting. I have never even considered loving myself, coz love for me is supposed to be shared, not kept.

Yep. I love too much, too much that nothing's left for me and I end up broken, jaded, and irreparable every time I have to let go and say goodbye. But love is not the reason for my pain, it is not the reason why I’m broken. It’s so easy to blame what we feel, but it’s never easy to blame ourselves for what we’ve done because of what we feel. 

Love does not hurt, it’s not supposed to hurt, the truth is, we hurt ourselves. We program our minds into thinking that love is something that would change us, that it would give us happiness, that it would set us free from whatever it is that we are running away from. Yes we do escape, we escape from ourselves. We give this other person the responsibility of taking care of us, of loving us, of keeping us safe. We hope, we long, we depend our very lives and happiness on that person. Do you think that's even fair? It's like leaving that person helpless, if he/she would ever disappoint you, you will be left with so much pain, and you end up hating that person, hating them for hurting you.

Expectations, that's not love. Expecting someone to act a certain way, to provide you with the things that you need, to give you the happiness you so longed for, is not fair. You tell me that it's given in every relationship that you have to be this and that. That there are rules and he needs to give you flowers, he needs to have a gift for you every anniversary, every valentine's day and he needs to remember every important date of your relationship. He needs to be there when you need him, he needs to comfort you when you're sad. You just expect him to do all these things, to know all these things, to be all that you want him to be, but he's not. He's not a mind reader. He's never going to be perfect, he's not always going to make you happy, and he won’t always be “that” perfect guy. But he will always love you, in his own way he will, the way he knows how.

When you do something for him, do it because you want to, but don’t do it because you want something out of it. Don’t expect for a compliment or some romantic appreciation, just do it because it’s what you want… PERIOD.

I am not saying that you should just sit there and be a martyr, that you be contented with just being a wallflower, it’s not that. What I’m saying is you try to look at things through his eyes, coz you might be ignoring some gestures, some kind words and acts of appreciation, the things that you tend to surpass because you expect him to act differently, on your standards. He has his own way and you have to realize that.

Most of all, you have to redefine what happiness is for you, You have to find it yourself, you have to know what could make you happy, and not who could make you happy. It is not the other person’s responsibility to cater to your happiness, it is your own. He is there so you two can be happy, he is not there so you could be happy. There’s a big difference between the two, and if you realize what it is then you’re on the right track.

Aren't we all pies? Love is just a slice of you, it's not the whole pie. Relationships of different kinds, of different forms, like family and friendships, these are the filling that gives us color, which makes us a better person. But the dough, the dough is you. And you have to work to make it rise. You got to squeeze, roll in the punches, get tossed around then when you think you got it made that's when you put in the filling. And if it doesn't work out right, you make another one, and if that doesn’t work either, you make another one. You keep on making it until you get it right. We always have an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, at the proper time. As long as we live, there’s always a chance of starting over, you just have to realize when the opportunity presents itself. Hope is boundless, there is always hope no matter what the situation.

No one can fix you but yourself, no one can make you happy but yourself, no one can be your reason to live but yourself. How can you possibly love another person with all your broken pieces inside? You have to put the pieces inside of you together so you won’t be half-baked. Make the perfect pie, make a perfect essence yourself, and find your self-worth, so when you put yourself out there, people will appreciate you for what you are, without you even making an effort. Love, not vanity, there’s a fine line between the two and you have to be careful not to cross the borderline of its distinction, make sure you know the difference.

And lastly, let yourself go from all those expectations, set yourself free from your doubts and fears. Love and happiness should work together separately, you should have happiness AND love, not happiness BECAUSE of love. You can make it, on your own, there is nothing sad about being alone, in fact it is a great beginning, a beginning for you to finally discover who you really are. Do not be dependent on others for your happiness coz that’s disaster in the making, don’t personify your happiness, do not make it corporeal because when that person goes away, he leaves with it, never let that happen. Let him make you happy but don’t let him be your own happiness.

            Love radiates from within, you have to love yourself and be contented with who you are, and then you can love others. You have to have a better reason for that person to be in your life, not because he makes things better, not because he completes you, not because he makes things right, not because he is your happiness, not because he puts your pieces back together. But instead, have a very simple reason, simple yet profound. He is in your life because you love him, and that’s that. Nothing more because it doesn’t have to be more, never beyond that. You don’t need expectations, you don’t need explanations for love. Love alone can stand, because it is love, it just is.

              
I am still waiting for my extraordinary love story, one that I’ve always prayed for. It would be extraordinary because it would be ours, it would be our own script, our own character, our own movie. And it won’t be based on what others think it should be, or it won’t the way we are expected to act. It would never be based on other people’s love stories. Ours because it would be me and him, not just me. It would be our own, one that we make for ourselves. One that would stand on its own.  :)

_kEnz_1/27/12_

DRAGONFLIES AND SUNSETS

(archived blog from years ago)

A noise woke me up the other day. It was a distant buzzing that was hovering above me. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the annoying sound, but it kept going, insistent and deliberate, almost desperate. I opened my eyes and searched for the source of my agony, and there it was, a full grown dragonfly buzzing, flying around my light bulb.

Why do they do that? Dragonflies of that size always seem to do that. They buzz around a light bulb as if their very lives depended on it, as if it was a source of something that was precious to them.

I got off the bed and rolled my eyes at the thought of how stupid insects can be. They are the most insignificant creature God has ever created, meant only to annoy and bug human beings.

A few days later I was reading a book in my room, wasting yet another day of my life, existing without a purpose. I was reading a romantic novel, you know about those ancient, epic love stories where love is supposed to be forever and sex is a beautiful, artistic thing. Yeah right! (Cynical me taking over :P) I was basking in feelings of romantic illusion and my mind filled with delusions of happily ever afters and unconditional love, when I stepped out of the bed and noticed something lying near my shoe rack. It was the annoying dragonfly. Lifeless, buzzless, dead. The poor thing might have starved to death because he never left my light bulb, not even for food. Stupid, I know. It seems like that’s how dragonflies die; I’ve seen a number of them die that way. Buzzing around a light then eventually found dead after a few days.

I ignored the moronic bug and drowned myself in thoughts about my boyfriend. Oh how I love him. Because of him, I feel like forever is possible, as cheesy as it may sound. I started to think what if I lose him or what would I do if he told me he doesn’t love me anymore? That scared me a lot. The feeling of being not good enough. 

I was being paranoid again. I don’t know, maybe the past just scared me a lot, scared me too much that the thought of loving someone again, and giving your heart and soul completely to one person, takes me back to that feeling of vulnerability, that once again I am this fragile crystal, which could be shattered and broken into a million irreparable pieces. I’m scared of getting hurt, worst; I’m scared of being the cause of my own tragedy.

AAAHH!!! I was intoxicated with cynical thoughts! The old me kicking to get out again. The one who asks “what if” all the time, the insecure, childish and forever-not-good-enough girl whom I so desperately want to get rid of. It’s a downward spiral of pessimistic doom. When I’m feeling or thinking like this, there‘s only one thing that could bring me back… DRIVING.. Alone, windows rolled down and my stereo playing “out of my head” over and over again. Kudos to fastball for that wonderful song! Saved my life a thousand times.

I love driving alone, the feel of soft breeze caressing my cheeks, the long winding road of the west coast, which if you drive at the right time, you feel as if you’re chasing the sunset. It’s right there, in front of you, luring you to come closer, enchanting and captivating you. I love how the sky becomes orange and red at the same time, how the sun isn’t painful to look at, and how serene I felt whenever it touches the sea as the moon rises. How I wish I could just capture this moment. Capture the feeling when everything is so beautiful, peaceful and safe. This is when perfection is defined.

My secret haven is right here, in the driver’s seat. Where I feel that I’m in control of everything. I wish I could feel the same way when it comes to my life, I wish I could dictate who stays in my life forever. I wish I love yous are said as I love you regardless..not as I love you but…I wish I was in control of everything so that I will never be scared or lonely, or worst of all, alone and heartbroken.

I parked my car almost at the edge of a small cliff overlooking the sea. I took out my mattress so I could sit on top of the hood of my car and watch as the sun began to sink and everything around me became orange and red at the same time. I smiled and felt the serenity of the moment, the breeze blowing my cheeks, waving my hair as I sat there, hugging my knees, enjoying the feeling of security and peace. How can something so beautiful last only for a few minutes? Why can’t it stay and last forever?

I got to think about that dragonfly in my room. Maybe he knew that it was time for him to die. Maybe it’s like a rite of passage for all dragonflies. That there comes a time in their lives when they have to say goodbye to their families and leave their home to find somewhere they could go in peace, where no one would see them die. All he will leave behind are the memories of the life he lived, that his family is made to believe that he went straight to heaven, corporeal and whole; they do not know of death, they just merely fly away.

Then he searches for light, a light which he will follow and never leave thinking that it is where he’s supposed to be. Everything he ever lived for, everything that he was, he would give-up for that light. A simple light bulb for humans, but for a dragonfly, he would give his life for that. Imagine how unshakable that kind of faith is.

I was the stupid one, not the dragonfly. Maybe we ought to learn from these insects. We keep on searching for the most complicated and difficult things, asking questions that are not supposed to be asked, and wondering just to hurt ourselves over and over again. Why can’t we grasp and hold on to something, and never let go? Even if it means you have to give your life up believing in it. Why are we scared of that pain? The truth is, we will all die alone.

Why do we spend all our lives feeling scared and chasing every moment, wishing for it to stay, longing for it to be with us forever when all they really are, are sunsets. The sunsets in our lives, each one different, but it doesn’t mean it’s any less beautiful than the last one. We just have to be patient and wait, knowing that that moment will come. And when it happens, we get the same old feeling of serenity, contentment and solitude. Then we wait again, for the next sunset to come because you know that there will always be a next one, and it will always be the same sun. That’s unwavering faith.

Dragonflies and sunsets. It’s funny how they can give meaning to love and life, how this small insect can give us the answer to our most complicated questions, and how a simple moment like the sunset, can give us the serenity and joy that we’ve been searching for all our lives.

The answer was right here, in my bedroom. And the miracle that I have been praying for, has always been within my grasp. I just have to hold on, have faith and be brave enough to fight for what I believe in, for what I really feel. Even if it will cost me my life. Carpe diem.

_kEnz_7/18/09_

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

(archived blog from years ago)

In life, there are many circumstances that prevail, be it in favor for us or not, it happens. We go through it with a sense of longing and a hint of fear, but throughout this unfamiliar journey, we learn that life does not always turn out favorably, but instead it evolves into something just right for us. Change is inevitable, so is hurt. For in order to survive in this chaotic world, we have to compromise other people’s feelings. That is the awful truth. People hurt people. Lives crash into each other, and in this battle, only one wins and walks out with only bruises, but there will always be one who will walk out bleeding, unsure of survival, hoping to heal in time. It is a vicious cycle, when a person gets hurt, he seeks out for revenge, a reprimand for what he’s gone through, and in the process, he ends up using another person, thus, compromising his own virtues, and that person left amidst the hurt, is also out for vengeance……and so the cycle continues. We live in a world where forgiveness is just a word and redemption is a task.

I rest my weapons, I’m cleaning my armor, tomorrow is a new day for battle, and in the serenity of what I’m doing, I started to think, where am I leading to? If there is really a god, why does he allow all of this to happen? When we think of heaven, an everlasting peace, and hell, an everlasting agony, where is purgatory? Maybe we are all living in purgatory, maybe we have been alive before and we have lived accordingly in a different time and place, and right now, we pay for everything we have done. Does cosmic karma really exist? Do we live to pay dues? To suffer the karma of our parents, relatives and ancestors??? Where does karma begin and when will it finally end??

I wish to live in a world free from pain and the irony of letting go. Have you ever had that feeling that you have just been robbed, stripped, and burned of all your hopes and dreams? Maybe this is how a dying person feels as he slowly contemplates on his life and his being, before his last breath, he looks at his murderer and thinks, what have I done to deserve this? And at that same moment he bargains, to some unknown being, “I don’t want to die” but it is the end and there’s nothing he can do about it. It’s funny how they say that life is based on choices. If that’s the case, then why do we always make the wrong choices? Did we choose to be rejected? Did we choose to die..? Did we choose to love?…..

It sucks how a person can take so much away from you. When all he did was, leave you alone. The worst enemy is the memories you’ve made together. What used to feel so good and beautiful feels like hell when you think of it again. What is the purpose of commitment and relationships when you both end up hurting and bleeding?

It feels like every drop of blood is draining from your body, how can it hurt that much? One day, he protects you like precious gem then suddenly he ignores you as if you are worth nothing. Is everything so meaningless that I’m left here all alone? Was everything rhetorical to him that even those memories meant nothing but just a lesson? A lesson and a step in his life. Maybe it’s nothing to him coz I’m the memory that he’s stepping on, and I have to carry him for the rest of my life.

I’m still stuck in our battleground, he left a long time ago but I’m still here. I could see him from where he left me. It seems like he has forgotten, all of which that I am was just a memory, a chapter in his life. I think he’s happy, he’s never looked so free, and it hurts me so much that I’m not there to share his happiness, instead, I’m stuck here, still bleeding, wounds so deep that it’s impossible to heal. Well, at least one of us is happy, I’ll just have to dwell on that. He has healed so fast, moved on so quickly, but I did not.

I looked up at my hero who spent his life rescuing me, his hand out to me, giving me promises, that he would take care of me and help me heal. But there is only one cure for me, and he’s across my battleground, laughing and smiling without me. I asked him, “he’s never coming back is he?” his eyes filled with sorrow and sympathy, his arms around me, “I’m afraid not..” he whispered. How can I move on? When nothing compares to what used to be, nothing is ever enough.

I couldn’t get up. I felt trapped in that place. The memories filling every core of my body. I let my hero go. We were never meant to be. Though he refused to leave me, I pushed him away. I couldn’t leave this place, I couldn’t leave my battleground. Maybe deep inside of me, I wanted to stay; amongst the stench of blood and pain, yes, I still wanted to stay, to wait, to hope that one day he will remember how good it felt. How right it felt, no matter how long I will wait for the answer; for in my mind and in my heart I know he still feels deeply for me, he just doesn’t have the courage to speak.

Some call me a fool, others might think I’m crazy, to bet on something that is so far fetched. But who cares? He will always be, and still is worth all the pain. What we had was extra special, I know it, he knows it, no one can ever replace and no one can ever compare to what we used to have.

I’ll be watching him from afar…seeing him making his dreams come true, living the life he always wanted. Someday, somehow, when he gets tired of the world, I know he’ll come back home to me…and if he doesn’t, it’s ok. I’m still happy coz I chose to stay.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not helpless or weak. Think of it as an unattainable dream. Because if life is really based on karma and choices, I choose to still feel this way about him because I would rather love whom my heart desires instead of forcing myself to be with a person who can never make me happy. Even if it means I would stay single for the rest of my life. I may not have his forever but he will always have me.

Cj_7_20_07